Critique/Corrections for my Japanese translation of Deja Vu?

Discussion in 'Writing & Translation' started by TheEternalChild7, Jul 20, 2016.

  1. TheEternalChild7

    TheEternalChild7 Ruko's Ruffians Defender of Defoko

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    Hi, guys! So I'm trying to maybe put together a Japanese UTAU cover of CircusP's Deja Vu, but I've only studied Japanese for a few years, so I don't know nearly enough about Japanese grammar/vocab. So if anyone here is fluent in Japanese (or knows any Japanese at all, really), I was wondering if you could point out any mistakes or awkward phrasing you notice? I'm sure there are plenty, unfortunately.

    Bring on the chill rain
    And we’ll go back in time
    Everything’s the same
    We’ve fallen into place

    Why does this keep happening?
    Crashing down with the lightning
    Smash my heart into pieces and sing…

    These moments fall apart
    We’ve walked this path before
    You’ve said your lines, now it’s
    time to play my role once more.

    And we’ll restart
    the cycle again
    And we’ll restart breaking each other again.

    We’re trapped in here, we're trapped in here for good.
    I’m lost in here, I'm lost in here with you,
    together through and through.

    Bring on the excuses.
    Tell me that I deserve this.
    Don’t let me open my mouth.
    Don’t stop the rain from pouring down

    So why does this keep on happening?
    We’re crashing down with the lightning
    You smash my heart (our hearts) into pieces
    and then sing

    These moments are your fault
    I’m losing a rigged battle
    And you restart the cycle
    And you restart breaking me again.

    We’re trapped in here, we're trapped in here for good,
    I’m lost in here, I'm lost in here with you,
    together through and through.

    These moments fall apart,
    we’ve walked this path before
    you’ve said your lines now it’s
    time to play my role once more.

    And we’ll restart the cycle again.
    And we’ll restart breaking each other…

    We’re trapped in here, we're trapped in here for good
    I’m lost in here, I'm lost in here with you,
    together through and through

    Ame no naka
    de kako e modoru
    Onaji dakara
    Kurikaeshiteiru.

    Naze okotte iru no?
    Raikou to ochiteiru
    Kokoro o kowase
    utau…

    Kono shunkan kowareru
    Kono michi mou aruita
    Kotoba tomatta
    Watashi no ban da.

    Mata saikuru o hajimeru yo.
    Mata tagai ni kowarehajimeru yo.

    Kimi to koko de hamatta.
    Kimi to koko de maigo ni natta.
    Isshou ni irareru.

    Iiwake kure
    Jigou jitoku to ie
    Kuchi o ake yurusenai de
    Ame o yamanai de

    Doushite mou okotteiru no?
    Raikou to ochiteiru
    Boku no kokoro o kowashite
    Utau yo…

    Kore wa omae no sei
    Kono sentou wa muri
    Omae wa saikuru o hajimeru.
    Mata boku o kowarehajimeru yo.

    Kimi to koko de hamatta.
    Kimi to koko de maigo ni natta.
    Isshou ni irareru.

    Kono shunkan kowareru
    Kono michi mou aruita
    Kotoba tomatta
    Watashi no ban da.

    Mata saikuru o hajimeru yo.
    Tagai ni kowarehajimeru…

    Kimi to koko de hamatta.
    Kimi to koko de maigo ni natta
    Isshou ni irareru.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2016
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  3. Kiyoteru

    Kiyoteru Local Sensei Supporter Defender of Defoko

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    I don't know a lot of Japanese, but have you seen the official Japanese translation on the Studio Guiana website? Could be helpful
    http://guiana.jp/deja-vu/
     
  4. TheEternalChild7

    TheEternalChild7 Ruko's Ruffians Defender of Defoko

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    Wow, no I hadn't. Thanks, that'll be really helpful! I didn't even realize there was an official translation.
    From what I see in the official version, I'm probably not going to be able to stick to it as closely as I'd like because of syllable restrictions... But it's still a good reference.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2016

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