Believe it or not the first step of my well thought plan is to kill the cheese.
It's true a cheese can't be murdered easily but I manage to get the gears of my plan working by slicing the innocent dairy product in the dream world. It's a known fact one of the few ways to kill them is the Freddy Krueger method.
As the second step, I patiently waited for the funeral. I was the guy that keeped a low profile all the ceremony and went utterly unnoticed.
As the casket descended to it's "final destination", *murky smile*, and the earth started to fall over it I could only think: "Soon..."
I was a bit dissapointed they kept the coffin all the time closed but I guess a dead cheese is not a very cheerful sight.
A few bucks to a shaddy gravekeeper and a rainy moonless night were enough for the next step. I held the shovel with a strong grip and began with the sacrilegious rescue.
Each wet shovelful added strain to my arm muscles but I couldn't care less by that right then as the adrenaline ran in my veins and my objective was too close... It really seemed too easy.
After reaching the objective I only needed a few hand movements to clean a bit the mud from the top of the small and white wooden box. Here I took a minute to feel the smooth touch of the expensive "final" dwelling. How useless it felt but I didn't want to open it, yet.
If you think here I wanted a dead cheese, well, you're a bit wrong even if not by much. As long as I feel it's mine I'll dare to use dark arts in order to bring the yellow item to an undead status. Necromancy and killing in dreams are close subjects. I had planned this as the final step of my plan.
But, yes, it was too easy!
As I open the casket I see with despair and extreme rage it's empty!
"How do they dare to fool me!?", I shouted to the crying black sky.
Full with homicidal thirst for vengeance I went again to the guard shack, I was going to get answers one way or another.
Two things I knew after a pair of hours: that rainy night was enough to silence any howls of extreme pain and that the useless gravedigger made the mistake to cremate the victim and hid the error telling the family it was better to keep the coffin closed.
Not even a few ashes were left... it was a cheese after all.
But I already went too far to give up now. I've dig a pair of meters and I can do deeper... If I want the cheese back I need to go to the underworld.
A lot of people has been already killed by the cheese (even if just indirectly) so I know my destination is Hades. Hey, I never said it was an innocent victim.
I looked directly at one of the corners of the bloody shack and crossed my eyes. The door to the land of dead opens easily.
"I wonder why everybody prefers to go the painful way", I said to no one in the hut.
The rules in this place are easy (if you want to go back): just don't eat or drink anything. The only food I wanted from here was a piece of cheese I wasn't going to taste.
Getting to Death's castle was also easy... what wasn't easy at all it's, normally, to beat Death herself.
I like to think of it as Hella from Norse mythology... but feel free to think of it as a male yourself... After all Death is... weird.
Well, she is good on her job unlike that previous grakeeper I left in the other side. If I want the legendary cheese she's holding right in front of me I have to beat her in a musical contest.
Luckily I can choose the weapon! Obviously I decided UTAU must be used in the contest.
Yeah, you should have seen her recording her UTAU... it was the most perfect voicebank ever. She was going to be hard to beat that way but, lucky me, she is too prideful. She didn't change her locale so UTAU showed "Bad file name or number" errors. Perfect, I won even without starting. "See ya soon, Death", I said as I waved goodbye to an orz figure.
So, do you think this is how I got the cheese? Nah, all this story never happenned. Nobody was hurt at all. But, hey, while you were reading this long grim tale I snatched the cheese. I have the cheese.