Not so much an introduction, but...

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Cdra, Jul 26, 2018.

  1. Cdra

    Cdra priest seadra of the cult of utaism Global Mod Supporter Defender of Defoko

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    I've been around a while, but I haven't been... around in a while. I figure here is a decent place to talk about why.

    A while back, what was it, 2014? I was part of an UTAU album project and, in rather unceremonious terms, my will to work with the software was crushed. It wasn't the fault of the project, or anyone in it---I just felt as though my work couldn't compare with the rest, and I was stricken with this sense that I wasn't going to be able to improve any further and that I'd made a fool of myself somehow. Which is a weird notion, but brains are weird. I lost my spirit for a bit and slipped back into other hobbies; and really, every time I come back to the community, that irrational feeling that I'm not (and never was) really as good as I'd felt in my glory days comes back... and I do want to work on composing again, but I've never found the will to touch it in the wake of that album project.

    Anyway, I've dipped in and out of the forum/community at large a time or two since I slipped away from the community the first time. And the explanation for that is somehow simpler; I've been struggling with my mental health, much as I have for the past several years (even since about when I first started playing with UTAU, back in 2011). I've wanted to be a good staff member for the forum and wiki but fallen back out again and again; I think I tried to hype myself up during the times I was here, though, as some kind of coping mechanism to try to get my faulty brain to latch onto something again so that I'd have motivation to... you know, exist? But obviously, that didn't work. I let several people down and have been incredibly flaky; for that, I can only apologize. I'm on a road to actually getting better now, at least it feels that way, but this mess in my brain is going to be a lifelong struggle, too.

    So, I'm not making any big commitments by making this post so much as simply... clearing up what's been going on with me. I won't be incredibly active from here on, but I'd like to drop in every now and again and be a helpful mod or work on a few projects. Every here and there, I'd like to work on my voicebanks or some covers, and maybe one day, if I can get the willpower back for it, start learning to compose from scratch again, and maybe program a few useful things down the road. I want to get better at juggling my interests and staying a part of the community even if that doesn't mean I can dedicate a whole lot of time or effort to any one thing.

    Anyway, this post is pretty pointless, but it kinda makes me feel better to clear up what's going on with me, so that's all I'm doing it for. For those of you who know me, maybe this'll help you understand some things, or maybe it won't. Anyway, I promise I've at least cleared up my ridiculous "too anxious to check messages" issue for the time being, so I'd be happy to talk again if any of you feel like it!
     
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  3. partial

    partial UTAU English advocate Global Mod Supporter Defender of Defoko

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    I'm not sure if you know who I am but I've wondered where you've been for a long time. It's really nice to hear from you cdra! I do hope we can talk sometime. It's really nice to see you around even if only every now and then!
     

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