Twins (I need major advice)

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Madam Meisaki, May 13, 2016.

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What do you think of these lyrics?

  1. Cringy/bad (Comment advice for what I should change, please)

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. They're alright... (What would make them better?)

    2 vote(s)
    50.0%
  3. They're good! (What did I do right?)

    1 vote(s)
    25.0%
  4. I know Im asking you to comment along with poll lol but I really need advice

    1 vote(s)
    25.0%
  1. Madam Meisaki

    Madam Meisaki Certified Nohrian Scum Defender of Defoko

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    (Ive asked two friends what they think of these lyrics. One said REALLY cringy, the other said they liked the lyrics. I need advice...)

    We're a mirror without glass
    A double-edged sword
    Our hands are always clasped together
    But we find life a bore
    I smirk to my glassless mirror
    And I smirk right back
    We're going to make our lives fun
    That is our only known fact

    We didn't care for school
    Knowledge isn't our power,
    But causing mischief is
    We hated those called 'cool'
    And gave them extra attention

    Our life might be a mess to some
    But look at all the things we've done!
    We've caused so many bastards to run away from us!
    The scowling, cold faces from our parents
    Is about the only love that they gave us
    So we decided to steal away, never looking back

    I came crying to me one day
    As I asked what was wrong
    I said there was a serpent in the parking lot today
    And when I begged the serpent for money, he just smiled
    He took us by the wrist and we were never seen again
    But nobody cared

    (If youre wondering, this was inspired by a painting that Nicoletta Ceccoli did: http://www.mujeresfreaks.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/nicoletta-ceccoli1.jpg )
     
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    6_Jpop CDJapan
  3. SOHBlue

    SOHBlue Master of Doom Defender of Defoko

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    Hey there, Madam! I think you did just fine. I think I see what you were going for and I understood it. Not cringy, though a few things could be worded differently and clearer.

    From this I gather that it is about two twins who see themselves in each other literally and figuratively and are ignored and neglected by others, so they rebel for attention and run off but end up being kidnapped and never seen again, no? M'kay. That's just how I read it. Lyrics that I feel could be clearer are:

    A double edged sword - If you are implying that they are such a thing, then how so? Personally I take this saying as being screwed either way. Which would imply that both of them enjoy acting out and being rude, not just one.

    That is our only known fact - What does this imply? That they only think of their own pleasure, or that that is their only goal?

    I begged the serpent for money - I'm guessing this means that this is after they've run away and can't fend for themselves, but another man takes advantage of that, no?

    Again, this is just my interpretation, and I'm not sure what you're going for exactly. At any rate, your lyrics aren't bad. Hope that helped at least somewhat.

    Good luck!
    ^.^/
     
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  4. Madam Meisaki

    Madam Meisaki Certified Nohrian Scum Defender of Defoko

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    I tried to write it vaguely but understandable so it was a challenge for me lol. Yes- they both like being rude- and they see themselves as one person- thus a mirror (and referencing each other as I no matter who is speaking). They're not bright so "that is our only known fact" is basically "the only thing they understand" is how to be rude and bullyish to everyone but each other. They ended up running away and they asked a guy in a parking lot for money. He ended up kidnapping them, but nobody cared to look for them because they were such lil pricks.

    I'm trying to think of ways to make it more clear but keep it poetically stated
     
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  5. SOHBlue

    SOHBlue Master of Doom Defender of Defoko

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    Ah, I see. Interesting~ Hope it comes out the way you want! ^.^/
     
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  6. Madam Meisaki

    Madam Meisaki Certified Nohrian Scum Defender of Defoko

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    I hope so too! Thanks a ton for the advice ;u;
     
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  7. SOHBlue

    SOHBlue Master of Doom Defender of Defoko

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    No prob, pal! ^w^/
     
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