I hope it's all right if I post another one. It's not UTAU-related, but I think it's one that I really need to let out.
Everybody has their likes and dislikes; some slight while others passionate. I want to talk about one big thing that probably shaped me into who I am now; my strongest disdain in the entire world: people. Now when I casually tell others that, they laugh it off and rebuke with a snide remark; even my parents say to me "You can't hate people". Well, perhaps what I'm going to say next will prove otherwise.
Throughout my whole life, I've been called the following: mean, crazy, aggressive, evil, The Beast, depressed donkey, a bunch of swear words combined with my real name, the list is endless. I'm sure everybody has their own fair share of awful experiences, but I'd like to share mine; more specifically, I want to talk about my worst moments if I'm allowed to, that is. The poor treatment started around my early years in fourth grade. There are many events I can recall from those days, but the most prominent one was when a bunch of boys were playing a friendly game of kickball on the wall. I'd usually walk around the benches because I'm a bit of a loner and spot their kickball roll in my direction and then it happened. One boy would pick up the kickball, walk right up to me, and shout "STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF!" before leaving and returning back to their game. It was not until a different boy would come at my direction, picks up the kickball, shouts "STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF!" at me, and leaves; the process continued for about most of the first trimester. Back then, I was told not to talk back or fight my bullies because I know that'll get me in trouble. However, the humiliation in fourth grade didn't stop there. I accidentally learned about how the middle finger represented the F-word around the latter trimester, which another group of boys took to their advantage and kept asking me "Who's Mindy?"; being the naive little idiot I was (and probably am to many others out there), I stuck up my middle finger and then the boys would go "Ooh!". My teacher then held me in for recess for "inappropriate behavior", which I had no idea about because I was actually never told of such a thing. In truth, it was because of the song "Where is Thumbkin?" that I learned about the middle finger, who was referred to as "Mindy" in the song. Back on the subject, the school principal punished me to do trash duty and with no lunch; I somehow got away with it by making sure the principal and head custodian doesn't notice me. Taking the fall for something that I had absolutely no knowledge about when it was clearly the boys who initiated it in the first place. That seems about fair, yes? Well, it must be since I was the only one who beared the blame. Was it just boys who made life hard for me? Nope! The girls got on my bad side as well, though their approach was not as bad as the boys and I unfortunately can't recall an actual time when a group of girls did me actual harm. The years of being taunted and insulted later persisted until my last years in college; middle school had cases worse than elementary school. I mean, who doesn't hate their middle school years?
Since then, I became more withdrawn from and weary of other people; I still am today. I have trouble communicating with others due to fear of messing up and being judged or accused of things I'm not, come off as rude because all of my previous first encounters were of boys sneering and girls tittering, and no longer had any reason to genuinely laugh or smile since smiling when you're really down in the dumps is not being true and having to be forced to smile is just as worse. For example, even if someone were to say "Hey! How's it going?" in the friendliest manner, I wouldn't be able to keep the conversation going due to uncertainty about whether or not the person was actually friendly and my perspective on people as a whole was set. Believe it or not, I actually started out as a social butterfly just like my mother, but those particular years eventually diminished me into the social outcast I am now and why? Because other people made me this way. In all honesty, I just want to tell people that they make me feel awful about myself, they're the main cause of my pain suffering, and that if they're going to continue to do or say they know will upset me, then they should just go away and leave me alone. But because I'm too aware of people and their actions and words, I'm not allowed to say such things even privately to myself because I fear and know people will accuse me of being immature or selfish.
I can really go on about these thoughts, but I think I'll stop here. Everything I said here is true and actually happened to me, though others will probably think I'm telling a tall tale. I don't want another confrontation, if anything, I hate confrontations yet I always get dragged into them. So whether or not my thoughts are acknowledged or not, I'm revealing them anyway in hopes of at least releasing all this stress, regret, and hatred that I've been holding for years.