Tear This Apart [original song wip]

meichan

Teto's Territory
Defender of Defoko
sorry for the fall out boy reference.
As my first post on this fine foruming establishment, I decided to get to the point

Profanity warning!
https://soundcloud.com/mae-blythe/codeine-wip1
do not be gentle. I will be sitting her with a notepad to take down all the notes and change what feels fit.
Please rip apart every flaw and give me a hint on how to fix it.

The song is basically about a jilted teenage (under 20 ok) girl yelling at the man who she wasted a few years on.
She implores him to just continue abusing codeine because he is an unsavory individual. And he agrees that she is an undesirable individual also, and they spend the song telling each other how much they dislike each other.
 

meichan

Teto's Territory
Defender of Defoko
Thread starter
[soundcloud]http://soundcloud.com/mae-blythe/codeine-wip2[/soundcloud]

hopefully that worked.
Anyway, Avalia gave me some hints on what to fix, and I worked on it until my ears hurt too much to handle the big clunky headphones so I just gave up for now.

Anyone else willing to tear this apart?