I wish I could stop feeling these things.
'Maybe if I died. . .' 'Maybe if I disappear. . .' 'I'm sorry. . .' 'I'll never be good enough. . .' 'No one notices me anyways. . .who would care?'
But I can't. For all my life I've lived with people who have high expectations of me. . .expectations that I can never reach, no matter how I try. . .and when I don't. . .
It turns into a 3 hour conversation about how I'm irresponsible. How I'm never going to survive outside of these walls. How I'm such a ****ing failure and a disappointment. . .
And I'm expected to just take it. . .To sit there, say nothing, accept it, do nothing to defend myself. . .
I know something is mentally wrong now. 3 years of this mental abuse. . .of this emotional abuse. . .but who would even listen to me if my own family cannot?
Tonight was one of those nights. Scratch that. Today was one of those days.
I have a lot on my plate. It's my Senior year in high school. I have more than one class online - no teacher, just me. All me. Plus college courses. . .plus going to college out of state, so I have to start packing like now. . .and to top it off, I have normal in class things and I'm in Band and Music. I'm a tutor too. It's a lot. . .but for no reason I joined Softball too. Probably because I've been told that I don't do enough and that if I want to make an effort at making friends then I should join. So I do. And I bought gear. And I tried so hard to stay in. Within two weeks, my grades dropped harshly. My legs got to the point where if I barely shifted, I'd cry from pain from a leg problem that I developed at the beginning of the year. I love practice - but there's no way I can play games. . .but it's quit or nothing, RIGHT COACH? I mean, obviously, it's play to ****ing win and if my legs are at a point where I can't walk for a week after running nonstop, THEN I'M TOTALLY ****ING MAKING IT UP. RIGHT COACH? RIGHT? So I dropped it today. I quit. I save the school money. They don't have to buy me a uniform. I go to get my bag from where I was told I could leave it and it's missing. . .
$168 of gear just walked off an ****ing vanished.
Oh, but that's not the kicker. No. The kicker is coming home to tell my family that I had quit and that the gear was missing. Oh man, oh man. . .
It starts off with a few things. For one, my father is dissappointed with me. MORE THAN DISAPPOINTMENT. I've finally have EARNED my father's love and support and became his DAUGHTER instead of that girl that came with the woman he married. FINALLY. And I've disappointed him so much that he doesn't want to talk to me until Saturday.
My mother is the only one who ISN'T mad at me. She's proud of me. Because, hey, I'm being RESPONSIBLE by REALIZING my limits and making the decision on my own without anyone TELLING me what to do.
But the grandparents who live with me. . .oh man. . .
The grandmother starts with this rant about how irresponsible I am. Of how much of a quitter I am. Of how I'm never going to survive. Of how disappointed she is. . .YELLING at me about all of this. . .for 3 hours. THREE. Apparantly I'm irresponsible because my gear got stolen (totally my fault, right?), because I'm 18 and not knocked up yet, because I'm 18 and not living on my own yet, or married, or paying bills, or have a job. That I'm irresponsible for dropping Softball in favor of my school work - that I need to drop Band and Choir which are CREDIT CLASSES at my school. How I shouldn't even bother to go to college because I'm going to waste my life away anyway.
My grandfather. . .? I'm pretty sure we're not talking anymore. And actually. . .I'm okay with that. He asked me "where was your gear this morning?" "It was there last night, but not this morning - I don't know where it went." But I couldn't finish that. I got to "last night" and he slammed his stuff down on his tray and gives me this look and yells at me to answer the question instead of dancing around details.
Something snapped at that point. I've spent today being told how horrible I am at school by my teachers. . .I spend my night being told how much of a failure I am PERIOD. I started to yell back. Which got everyone mad because that's disrespectful to my elders. But this has been going on for 3 years. Three years of being a failure, of having it beat into my brain that I'm worthless. . .I can't just bite my tongue. I guess I fail at that too.
At school. . .I don't have friends. I tried. 3 years I've tried. I get a friend. . .they leave me behind. It's not me. . .well. . .it is. A town this small. . .if you're not born here, you don't matter. If you're different, forget integration. . .
And that goes for teachers too.
I've been noticing it since last year. . .there's a big difference in how my teachers treat me and how they treat all other students. When I answer in class, They roll their eyes or ignore me. . .by ignore, I mean my answer is right. . .someone repeats it and the teacher says they were right but had just told me I was wrong even if it was word by word copying of what I said. . .They also keep conversations very short and offish when I try to talk to them about school at the appropriate times. . .but other students do the same and are able to get the help they need while I cannot. If anyone else came to school like I have been - admittedly dirty, sad, tear stains, not really changing clothes much. . . - they'd flip the **** out and try to fix it. They turn away at me. No one wants to help me. Why am I dirty? Because I can't take a shower often because we have one bathroom and it'll raise the water bill and I take too long and my grandmother has a ****ing incontinance problem. Why not change clothes? I just don't have the energy anymore to do anything. Pushed so hard that I've. . .broken. That's the damn truth, and this is the first time I've told anyone about it. So don't tell anyone who knows me!
To top it off. . .you can't hear announcements in most of my classes. You don't hear the message or that there even was one. But it is obviously my responsibilty to know there was an announcement and its totally not the school's problem that their PA system is jacked up.
Oh, and I got my ass reamed all day because my teacher gave us permission slips for tomorrow's trip . . .on Thursday. So I haven't had time to get everyone's signatures until the end of the day today. So I have to turn it in first thing tomorrow. Totally my fault that the teacher can't do her ****ing responsibilities and get us what we need in an orderly time. Also, I don't understand why I must get my mother's signature on my insurance and permission slip. I'm 18. My insurance is through MY name. Not my mothers. MINE. My mom doesn't even HAVE insurance. I do. Why can't I sign for myself to go on a trip or to say I have insurance? Do they realize my mother is almost never home because she has 4 clients and works an hour away all day? She comes home and goes to bed. I barely see her anymore because she's trying to keep her hours because you never know when they might fall due to someone dying (She's a In-Home Health Care Provider). So every teacher saw it fit to tell me how irresponsible I am for turning it in last minute.
I just want to get out of here. . .
11 more weeks, 6 more days.
I just keep repeating it.
I keep reminding myself that when I'm on my own. . .I'll make it like I did last time.
Now I'm going to go to bed. . .lay there for 2 hours (possibly crying so more). When I finally fall asleep, I'm going to have my 10th nightmare in a row and I'm not going to get any rest. then I'll go to school, sing in the choir concert, and then come home and continue to be the failure.
You know. . .
The one that has never drank, did drugs, got arrested, stole, got knocked up, had sex, etc. Yeah.
True Failure Material Right There.
Totally irresponsible me.